WTF Universe?

The truth is, it is hard and scary to dive deep into your self, into your soul.  We are complex individuals, with emotions and energy and all that goes with our embodiment of this life. 

I remember when I first saw Anais Nin’s quote:  “I must be a mermaid.  I have no fear of depths and a great fear of shallow living.”  I embraced it as my mantra.  My north star.  My guiding light in diving into my stuff – past and present so that I could experience transformation in my next steps, my future. 

Intentions are almost always good and inspire positive movement, but I found it difficult to maintain that frame of mind, those guideposts of reference where I not only dove into my heart and soul and exposed the intricate webbing and cracks of my experiences and being, but then served it up in the shape of social media posts and blog entries for others on a similar journey to gasp, “A Ha!,” and know they were not a lonely traveler but had company in their heartbreaks, trials, and tribulations.

Six and some odd years later, I find myself frozen – not able to dive at all, whether shallow or deep.  The fear, sometimes paralyzing, impairs my brain from computing what the pieces of the puzzle are, stops my heart from wanting to live another day in this confusion and frustration of what my life has turned out to be.  It is a mortal battle for my soul.  The waves of life that I so often write about are crashing around me, the tides and currents pushing and pulling.

I can’t see the light sometimes.  I know it’s there…..

I know that my feelings of sadness and depression, that the ‘I don’t want to,’ ‘can’t do this anymore,’ are but a wave that will refresh itself as it kisses the shore and then retreats to be part of the big picture once again. 

Do you ever throw your hands up to the sky and ask, “WTF Universe?”

I use to say in my most intense moments of ‘I’ve had it,’ “I hate my fucking life.”  My therapist was not happy that I said that, and she was quick to point out that it was my fucking life at the moment, and that it will change, that I had the ability to change it, for change is inevitable.  The other day I was watching Grace and Frankie – Season 4, and (spoiler alert!) Grace in a moment of utter frustration with a situation says, and I quote, “I hate my fucking life!”  I actually texted that to my therapist as if to say, see?, I am not the only one that feels that sense of despair. 

So really, “WTF Universe?”  I am in continual motion to examine the questions of why am I here, why are we all here, what am I suppose to be doing with this f’n life, and what can I do to make it better.  And that’s where we get back to the Anais Nin quote and the no fear of depths.  We don’t really want to live in the shallows, the superficial, the inauthentic.  We want to live deeply, love fully, experience our life in all its throws and storms and loveliness too.  I look at everyone around me and see that none of us are here gliding effortlessly through this life journey.  Everyone has some burden, some upsetting circumstance, some difficult challenge. Some have unimaginable obstacles to manage.  The point is, we all have our things to face and deal with. And it is in those moments of facing our stressful situations that we must realize and accept the uncomfortable circumstances, for that is where the light is, the growth, the progress.

And that’s why we are here – today, now, as human beings, on this earth, at this time.  We are in one big soul growth experience – sometimes it feels like one big shit storm, or a wave crashing so hard that it takes all the life and breath out of anything in its wake. 

But we rise up – a popular phrase these days… We rise up to meet our challenges.  We find the way to our heart and soul and to live the best way we can, guide our children, love our family, listen to our friends and support them as they speak about their journeys, be grateful for what we have, and most importantly, love ourselves.  It is up to us to pierce the shallows of our heart and soul and dive deeply into that which may challenge or scare us.  Because it is in those depths that we truly find ourselves, and realize that this life, no matter what the universe throws to us, is ours – to live, to enjoy, to own. 

Sometimes you just have to say, “It is what it is.”

“Take things as they come.” “Be present.” “Live the moment.”

All great drops of advice and all important to having peace in your heart. So why is it that we have such a difficult time doing them? Many of us analyze, over analyze, think, and over think why certain events and relationships happen in our lives. We are stuck on not only the fact that they happened, but on the why. After all, everything happens for a reason. But is it so important to know that reason Can’t we just accept that it happened and look for what it has shown us, taught us, and how it has helped us grow?

If there was ever a statement that strongly resonated with me it would be Caroline Myss’ words: “Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.” I spent years trying to find the reason why something happened, why I made the choice I did, why things had worked out as they had. It was so painful and I suffered greatly. Living in the past or holding on to a fantasy is such a waste of energy. And it causes great hardship. Trying to decipher all the meanings in our personal universe is exhausting and we may not find all the answers we seek, or want for that matter. The search could be enlightening, but most often we feel anguish, sadness, and heartbreak when we remain in that search for the reasons why.

We all make mistakes. We all experience some emotional trauma. We all suffer. But we have the power, the choice, to free ourselves from that pain. I have often joked with friends about how it is time to get off misery road, that it is within our power to change the trajectory of our lives. We must choose to be vigilant and redirect our thoughts away from the questions of why something happened, why a relationship soured, why a person is the way they are, why a job didn’t work out, why we had to lose a loved one… why our life is the way it is. The best thing we can do for ourselves is give up the need to know why things happen as they do and just accept that they did, that they are as they are now. Just accept and allow the lesson. I dislike the expression, “It is what it is,” but it is the truth, and I find myself thinking or saying those words a lot lately.

So turn off of misery road and turn on to the road of joy, of happiness, of contentment, and of peace. Turn off your wondering mind. Cease the inquiry. Give up the need to know the why and concentrate on what is – focus on the present moment, and then focus on each subsequent moment as you experience life.

“Take things as they come.” “Be present.” “Live the moment.”

Peace of mind and soul can be yours. It is your choice.

By |2018-10-25T12:54:05-04:00March 4th, 2016|More Emotional Weather|2 Comments

The Great Wave

It has been such a long time since I have really written anything… I have been thinking about that lately, and feeling that it might be time to dive in to my heart that feels so broken, shattered from the loss of my father, and the shifts of life that have rippled from that loss. A friend sent me a book shortly after my father died… “How to Heal A Grieving Heart” by Doreen Virtue and James Van Praagh. It was given to her and signed by James Van Praagh, yet she felt called to put it into my hands. If you don’t know this book, each page has a separate thought, so you can just open the book to any page and find some bit of inspiration to help you through your grief. I think one of the first things I read from it was about how one great loss will trigger other unhealed losses. I had been experiencing that and reading that passage validated what I was going through. And so I have been wading through all the other losses that I thought I had put into place, accepted, understood, integrated, healed… only to discover of course that that was the furthest thing from the truth, my truth. Why when I wanted to focus on grieving the death of my father did I have to think about other things, relationships, parts of myself that brought up so much emotion. But there it all was. And I really had no choice but to somehow find my path through it all. My heart ached. I was depleted emotionally, physically, and spiritually. And ten months later, I can’t believe that my father has been gone (in the physical sense) for ten months, I am still very much immersed in the process and feelings of that grieving. Tears flow daily and I basque in the salt of my personal sea.

I think that our hearts are continually being broken – but broken open so that we may have the opportunity to really see who we are and who is really there for us in our lives. I have talked to many friends that have experienced the loss of a loved one, and everyone shares this – that the dynamics in their relationships change. Perhaps the person who died was the glue of the family… perhaps in the process of the death family members did not see things exactly the same way… or perhaps because we are all unique, we handle our grief as we handle our life in different ways. The point is, things change. Everything changes. And the change is continual. And so I take comfort in the fact that the sadness or pain or anger or disconnectedness I feel will change too. I think loss is the great wave that washes over us and like the ocean washing the shore, exposes every rock, every shell, every granule of sand, every piece of us. It forces us to be in the light, and yet there is the darkness too, when the water blankets us and allows us to stay in our depths, in whatever feelings we choose to be in at that time. I prefer the light. I relish the sunlight that shines on the beach, on me, warming my heart so that feelings of acceptance and love emanate from my soul, from my very core essence. But I also recognize the importance of the darkness and the time spent in that place. There is a quote about how it is darkness that gives us the opportunity to see the light. I think I see the light now – I think I see the path, to healing and love and acceptance and understanding of it all. And that is all we can really ask of ourselves – to find our way in a manner that allows us to be in the light of love and happiness, if even just for a moment each day.

When Things Come Up

We go through life almost on automatic. Our body manages to sustain itself – all our systems operate healthily we hope, and we awake and glide through our days to wind down and lay our heads to rest at night.

Our human experiences begin from the moment we are conceived. In the womb we have a consciousness.  Though we may not have any sense of that time, each moment is indelibly imprinted.  We are born and live our lives, each of us our own adventure, each of us our own individual story to tell.  We form our ideas and thoughts. We discover what we want, what we dream and desire. We strive for the things that we think are important, that will make us happy, successful, and loved.

But for most of us, there is a glitch, an imperfection, a bump in our road, an obstacle that throws us off course, or prevents us from achieving something that we aspire towards. There are things that don’t sit well with us, that cause us stress, or pain. And there are things that though we try to avoid them, they keep coming up. (more…)

By |2018-10-16T10:43:59-04:00February 18th, 2014|Emotional Weather on the "8's"|3 Comments

Things Happen for a Reason

Though we can’t always see it at the time, if we look upon events with some perspective, we see things always happen for our best interests.  We are always being guided in a way better than we know ourselves.
Swami Satchidananda

Do things happen for a reason, or is it all just random? And so the question of whether or not there is a prescribed path for each of us to follow, a designated sequence of events, is pondered. Is there a grand plan? (more…)

By |2018-10-24T11:57:10-04:00January 18th, 2014|Emotional Weather on the "8's"|2 Comments

Seeing Your Life As It Is

We all see our world the way we want it to be.  We color our days with the words and images that reinforce our idea of what we think our life should be like.  But what we really need to do is see our world as it is.  This means really being in the present moment, really understanding what each moment offers.  This is what being present is about -opening your eyes – opening your heart – opening every cell in your body to whatever the experience you are living may be. (more…)

By |2018-10-16T10:36:45-04:00December 28th, 2013|Emotional Weather on the "8's"|3 Comments

Just Let It Rain

Some days there is just more of a struggle. I try on those days to just let those thoughts that are drifting in and causing an emotional disturbance to just drift on through. I love the term ‘emotional disturbance’ as it really describes what is happening at those precise moments that we experience suffering on our heart and soul levels. Suffering is an umbrella for the multitude of feelings that come up when those ‘disturbances’ set in and inform us of situations or events that do not meet with our expectations, or our liking. Life has a habit of presenting things that just don’t always sit right with us.  And so when that happens, our reaction stirs our emotions, and the storm begins.  (more…)

By |2018-10-11T08:16:21-04:00December 13th, 2013|More Emotional Weather|2 Comments

What Becomes of the Broken-hearted?

Every day my heart breaks just a little. Usually it is from an expectation and then a profound disappointment – be it a friend, a family member, perhaps one of my children, or even my life itself, I experience that deep hurt and shock that starts in my gut and permeates my soul daily.

I was thinking back on being heartbroken, and how I have probably experienced the pathology of a broken heart from a very young age, yet did not know how to identify it as that. Did it start with my parents having my siblings? Was my heart that was solely my mother’s and father’s, and their hearts mine, first fractured at the tender age of three?  Did it begin when my paternal grandparents demonstrated a lack of caring and love when they showed favoritism to my cousins and aunt and uncle, placing conditions on their affection and behaving emotionally abusive in the process? Or was it life’s other disappointments? (more…)

By |2018-10-16T10:30:11-04:00October 8th, 2013|Emotional Weather on the "8's"|6 Comments